Mindfulness in Marriage
Have you ever experienced being hurt or caught off guard by something your partner did or said? Did you respond rather quickly and escalate the situation? Maybe it was a comment or look, that triggered you and led you to believe that you are incompetent or inconsequential. You attempted to defend yourself after feeling attacked, putting yourself into fight, flight, or freeze mode, to avoid any further harm.
It can play out in different ways. For example, driving in a busy or new area with your partner in the car can be a very stressful scenario. One minute you're in the correct lane and then the next minute your navigation is telling you to get over multiple lanes or you're forced to exit until suddenly you’ve exited and you’re lost. This stress leads to high emotions which in turn can lead to screaming and yelling until someone shuts down.
This is why it is important to take a pause between the trigger and choose a more rational response, to end the attack/defend cycle. One way to accomplish this is through mindfulness training. These are daily practices of focusing your attention on multiple things, like breathing, sensory experiences, and what is going on in the present moment. This increases your awareness of the present without judgment and allows you to decrease your reactivity. Mindfulness works by rewiring your brain to be attuned and sensitive and has shown improvements in brain scans in as little as two months. Scans show strengthening pathways, decreased activity in areas that cause you to be reactive, and even increased activity in areas that improve awareness.
You may be wondering how this improves your relationship with your partner, and the reason is that the pause between the trigger and response can make or break a relationship. Mindfulness decreases reacting with hurtful comments, jumping to irrational conclusions, or obsessing over an argument, that ruins the rest of your day. With mindfulness, you may have more awareness of the present moment or physical sensations that alert you that it is not the time to argue, such as a tenseness of your body, racing heartbeat, or nausea.
Mindfulness increases empathy toward your partner and allows them to feel heard and accepted, as well as increasing your awareness of your own emotions, giving you the ability to stay calm during stressful interactions, and bringing more attention to the present. This practice takes effort, but research shows that it improves individual functioning and relationship satisfaction. If you are interested in mindfulness practices, or other ways to strengthen your relationship, please reach out so that we can get you set up with one of our skilled couples counselors.
“The great benefit of practicing mindfulness... is the presence of mind within a storm of emotions.”
