Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship
Relationship Advice from a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Relationships of all kinds – whether it’s familial, platonic, work, or romantic relationships – are life’s greatest teachers. The quality of your relationships deeply influences the quality of your life and plays a huge role in how you view yourself and the world around you. Relationships have the capacity to bring out the best and the worst in us. They highlight our biggest insecurities, fears, motives, and deepest desires. Relationships are mirrors that show us the things we want to see — and might not want to see – in ourselves.
As a therapist who specializes in relationships, I marvel at the opportunity for healing and growth. Therapy can act as a portal to help you understand your own inner world and access your innate ability to transform and heal. In this article, I’m going to share the core principles and tools I use with my clients to help them identify healthy relationships, improve their existing relationships, set boundaries, and create and maintain relationships that are mutually fulfilling and successful.
I invite you to get comfy, grab a cup of tea or coffee, maybe a pen and some paper — and let yourself dive into this guide that has the capacity to change your life and relationships.
Before we get started…
I want you to give yourself credit for your willingness to improve your relationship/s.
Being in a committed relationship takes work. And sometimes, a lot of work. Just like with anything in life, there will be highs and lows and ups and downs. There will be times that call for extra support and guidance to help you come out to the other side stronger than ever.
Building a loving partnership between two unique individuals — with different personalities, childhoods, and life experiences — is no small feat. However, when you build a foundation of trust, compassion, and understanding, your relationship can continue to strengthen and thrive.
I encourage you to be patient with yourself as you navigate the winding road of relationships.
First things first, what does it even mean to have a healthy relationship?
Before sharing loads of resources and advice, I want to encourage you to get curious about what having healthy relationships means to you in the first place. We’re constantly fed different ideas about what it means to be in love and partnership. Ultimately, a healthy relationship for you may look different than what a healthy relationship looks like for your friends, neighbors, and people in the movies and on TV.
Take a moment to think about what matters to you:
What do you value?
What do you want to experience in your relationships?
What don’t you want to experience in your relationships?
What are non-negotiable things for you?
What are things that others may find important, but you actually don’t care too much about?
Identifying what it means to be in a healthy relationship is invaluable because then you have information about where you’re at. Some key factors of what having healthy relationships look like include:
Having clear communication and being able to express needs, desires, and fears openly and honestly
Feeling safe to set boundaries and limitations
Having trust and letting go of the need to control your partner
Enjoying time together while also feeling confident in the relationship while apart
Sharing core values
We’ll dive into more of the specifics of this as the article goes on, but make a special note as you read about which factors (or lack thereof) of healthy relationships you experience.
Healthy relationships with others start by developing a healthy relationship with yourself.
Getting quiet and looking within is the first step to developing healthy relationships. Ultimately, if we do not prioritize our own relationship with ourselves, all of our other relationships will suffer. If we do not prioritize and honor our needs and feelings, we’ll end up feeling resentment, lonely, and unheard.
You might be thinking, how do I even begin to develop a healthy relationship with myself? Great question!
Start by getting to know yourself, just like you would get to know someone you’re dating or becoming friends with or interviewing for a job. Approach yourself with curiosity and actually take the time to see what matters to you, what you enjoy doing, and how you want to feel.
Some excellent practices for self-awareness and connection could be meditation, journaling, seeing a licensed mental health professional, and partaking in things that bring you joy.
The key takeaway here is that the most powerful thing you can do to have healthy relationships with others is to have a healthy relationship with yourself. This can take time, but it is the most fool-proof way to fulfilling meaningful connections.
Know that you are not broken or incomplete.
Have you heard of the famous “you complete me” quote from the 1990s movie Jerry McGuire? The gist is that the main character, Jerry tells his love-interest that she completes him, implying that he was incomplete before. This is just a tiny example of the narrative we’re told in the media: that we are not enough on our own.
I’m here to tell you that this idea is NOT TRUE. You are whole and complete on your own. I love this anonymous quote to depict what I’m explaining:
“A healthy relationship is one where two independent people just make a deal that they will help the other person be the best version of themselves.”
When we let our partners off the hook for the impossible task of “completing us,” we free them and ourselves. This allows us to reach a level of intimacy and connection with others while taking full responsibility for our own lives and behaviors.
This idea may take time to fully integrate, but know this: YOU ARE ENOUGH exactly as you are. You do not need someone (or something) else to complete you.
Release expectations.
Expectations set us up for disappointment. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t hold the people in our lives accountable for treating us a certain way. I am, however, saying that as long as we expect our partners to be mind-readers and know exactly what we need and want, we will be unhappy.
Releasing expectations opens the door for gratitude. I’m sure you’ve felt taken for granted before. It’s not a fun feeling. Experiment with really noticing the “little” things those in your life do for you. Instead of expecting your partner to brew your morning coffee, what if it became a wonderful little surprise and a reflection of love and care.
It may be helpful to get clear on what your expectations even are. Consider taking out a pen and paper and finishing the following prompt:
I expect my partner to. . . x, y, z.
Don’t assume.
Cliche, I know. But can we stop making assumptions without giving people the opportunity to clearly express themselves?
If we assume our partner is angry or frustrated with us and immediately jump to that conclusion, we may be setting ourselves up for unnecessary conflict.
I love this suggestion by Dr. Brene Brown. She recommends saying to your partner. . .
“The story I’m telling myself is… {insert story here}.”
Instead of saying “I know you’re annoyed with me because I left the dishes on the counter and now you resent me,” try saying:
“The story I’m telling myself is that you’re feeling annoyed with me because I left the dishes on the counter. Does that story sound right?”
Let people tell us how they feel and what they need or don’t need, before assuming we know what they are thinking. Even those closest to us may surprise us. Everyone deserves the chance to advocate for themselves.
If you’re looking to improve your relationships and continue on your healing journey, we welcome you to reach out to our team at support@therapycenterhouston.com. We are here to help!